Unsure and Unavailable

feeling like a waiting room

2007-04-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the bank to set up automatic bill payment, and that makes me feel old. Maybe old is to harsh but growing up, I think I've been in denial for a bit all my friends are embarking into the 20's and some are almost done school and really taking off in their personal relationships and becoming a part of civilization and yet, I'm sitting on my bed listening to music and in a rut about what to do. Although my lines of vision have become a little less blurry I'm still unsure about the decision to travel with my sister or not, it seems that it will be pushed to march wich is fine but that's a long ways away so now I think... should I take a fall course you know so I'm some what exposed to that side of the spectrum or should I continue working like a pack mule and having no life and having to book my friends and family in my somewhat organized scheduel. But as those thoughts go trough my mind i'll push them aside as my mind would rather let Damien Rice into my thoughts as I just bought 4 new cds them being metric: old world underground, where are you now?, Damien Rice: O, Feist: Open season, and last and significantly least Avril Lavigne: Best Damn Thing.

Yes my cd choice may seem wierd but to tell you the truth me and Avril are tight went to her concert and I just can't push her away, but I can admit I was a tad disapointed but not overly I just expected,... more.

My other cd's have blown her out of the water. Feist was amazing it's the remixes and collabs so it has artist like K-os and postal services remixing her songs. For example the song mushaboom was re-mastered by FOUR different artist and they all sound different (same words different beat) which is really cool. (well at least to me) so if your interested check it out or let me know. Damien Rice can't really disapoint I've just kind of put it off for awhile so it's been nice and it's making me more subdued and relaxed.

Now the metric Cd I have not listen to it yet. I have their newest one and love it and since I am going to their concert I want to know ALL songs so I went out and got their older one and I've heard some and have no complaints so it should be good.

Now for my facebook rant: Even though I am apart of it I'm unsure about this whole people able to find you it kind of creeps me out when your chem teacher who you didn't really talk to all that much adds you. I'm sorry that is wierd, and second it seems like more of a popularity thing than anything els. But I do like the fact that I can see how intertwined life is and how any people know simliar people that is neat.

studio in a box

2007-03-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

These photos are from our family photo shoot titled: relationships because it's all black and white and the lighting is key, yes this is something we do for fun... wierd I know but somehow fun. I took the picture of my mom and dad, I think it's pretty decent. If you ever need a good picture let me know!

sleep deprived

2007-01-30T21:39:00.000-08:00

This little entry has been a bit overdue I’m sure you guys are sick of looking at my random and nonsense entries about Mario. (Yet I still believe it to be awesome).

So these past couple of weeks have been a tad hectic and I am now able to breathe a bit because I no longer have a math book looming on my back, it’s quite nice although it’s not over yet I’m waiting for the marks back now… I think I should be okay, I hope.

In the middle of all this I also attended the college and career winter retreat at Alberta Beach, which some of you did as well. I enjoyed it although the staying up late was not doing wonders to my sleep pattern. The topic was about joy and prayer in hard situations, “count it all joy” (adventures in odyssey anyone?) it was good I enjoy them even though it’s very hard to push past your own despair, however the one thing that hit me was praying in all situations because it forced me to realized that my prayer life is null except when I need something, scary thought. It’s a hard slap to reality at how many things I put before God. I keep telling myself that I need to get right with God and then everything will fall in place. However this will never happen if I don’t take the steps, drastic or not, to strengthen my beliefs and my ‘relationship’ with God.

I’ve put myself in a rut, with my friends and my job and even with my family. I am satisfied, I should be putting myself in new situations and forcing myself to learn something new as well as meet some new people. I think it is really easy to be comfortable and with that comes seclusion. My mother and I had a good conversation on Sunday about church and how so many people can go unnoticed at Capilano. I remember when I went for about a year and no one came and talked to me. Now I know it is partly my fault because I didn’t really go to any events but even so when I sit somewhere new will someone beside me introduce themselves or will I go unnoticed? It’s a harsh reality to what I’ve become comfortable with ‘our group’ it has almost become exclusive and only certain people are allowed to cross it’s threshold, and really should age take a factor in it? No. I have good conversations and memories with people who are older and younger than myself. You can learn new things about your surroundings and about yourself.

No one seems to share anymore why is that? Are we all worried people may learn of our imperfections or the reality of life? That they’ll air out your dirty laundry in public? That ‘laundry’ has shaped you into who you are today. I’ve learned things about myself that I wouldn’t wish on anyone to go trough but sometimes it happens and you take what you can from it, lift your head up and move on. My mom was telling me about what she learned from a book she was reading, and how she realized how worried we are about ourselves that in reality everyone around us is self involved with themselves that they probably are not worried about your hair or that you have a stain on your clothes, because they are too worried about themselves that they are not paying attention to you because frankly they are doing the same thing as you… worried about what people think. Tough hey? Why do we worry so much about what people think of our outside appearance and the presence we give off? Are we truly acting like ourselves? Last year I gave up on any physical appearance I had because I didn’t want people to look at me with the notion that I looked good, I wanted to look unattractive. Strange how are mind works, if you gain attention that you don’t want you put yourself into a cocoon and even worse you become even more self conscious about everything you wear and say and act that you end up going to the extreme and dress in a bag, avoid all contact, and say nothing that would make people wonder, you do your best to blend in. You could act like yourself and if some people hate you then that’s ok because the people who are left to pick you up are your friends. I am blessed and have been blessed to have a few really good friends who I know I can talk to and ask for help or even a kick in the pants.

I’ve started realize that I put on an act around some of my friends because that’s how they met me and liked me so I want to stay like that so that they will continue to like me. So I have been attempting to change that slowly by toning down a bit because people don’t really take my opinions seriously or my points of view are not really important because it’s just Gail. I also want people to feel like they can come and talk to me and that I am not just fun to be around and nothing more. It’s a struggle and I’m working on it bit by bit. Why live the double life in some case 3 or more.

I have also been sleep deprived since I am on my 8th day of work in a row and I also had to get some stuff for the great over night adventure for youth. Speaking of which went really well but I'm still trying to recover I don't think I have ever stayed awake that long before and then attempted to work with a fogged mind and 4 hours of sleep. Lets just say my attitude is a bit better not snapping at co workers anymore! A thing I learned that night you can't make popcorn in a sitting pot however you can in a frying pan type pot while it is moving.

Sorry about how random and scattered this entry is I think It just kind of came out so if you read this fully I stand and clap to you!

In summary life’s been hectic and it’s starting to slow down a bit so I can think and get some piles cleaned up and finish some projects I have laying around.

- Gail

on second thought...

2007-01-11T14:17:00.000-08:00

ok so I found another one except this one is better!! it's called 1980 games... meaning it has all of them arcade AND nintendo check it out at;
( I have two websites actually...)

(1) http://www.tripletsandus.com/80s/80s_games/arcade.htm
(2) http://www.1980-games.com/us/

fun times and old memories

2007-01-11T13:20:00.000-08:00

I was looking through some websites that I had marked as favorites and guess what I found... The BEST game ever!! Mario Brothers anyone!!!! So lets just say if you ever feel boerd and need something to do that makes you feel like the best gamer ever!! play some old fashion Mario brothers from 1985!!!

here's link; http://www.mofunzone.com/online_games/mario_brothers.shtml#

a review

2006-12-31T17:54:00.000-08:00

My last entry for this year hmm it has been awhile and I have changed even just this little while and yet when I look back on the year I’m forced to see how much good things have happened in my life involving my family and friends, but with the good there is also bad. However I have learned so much that it is hard for me to say ‘bad.’
At this time last year I was at MCBS and I was in an especially low part of my personal life and my views and understanding of God. I found it very hard to be going to a bible school and yet feel so isolated from everyone and unable to express what I was feeling because it was hard for me to understand what was going through my mind. It hasn’t disappeared to tell you the truth it’s stronger than ever but I have made up my mind and with that all the questions come I am still trying to understand and answer these but it has made me stronger especially these past 5 months just working and letting my life get completely out of control to the point where my room was a complete mess, I was a complete wreck to the point where getting out of bed was hard but I just did and put a smile on my face and continued on with it because there was nothing more for me to do. One of the best things that I have done this year was joining the youth group leader club (I don’t know what to call our conclusive club) just kidding. Yah so I was asked if I would like to help out at youth and I was unsure but I had been trying to find away to get involved in the church instead of getting into a rut and just going to church on Sundays but to see if I could slowly get back into the whole service thing. I like it, it made me appreciate my weeks at camp because it helped with youth and little did I know most of the kids went to camp this year! This year was the first year I counselled at camp this year and it was really neat I had some really cool girls and a lot of them were stronger in their faith than me but I learned a lot and still talk to some of the girls in my cabins. One thing that hasn’t changed is the pressure of questions like; what are your future plans? What school are you going to this year? And the obvious what’s your status? These questions have plagued my mind and it wasn’t until recently that I decided what I was going into for school and to tell you the truth It will most likely change by the next semester. I am excited for next year I hope to grow and appreciate my family and friends and how God is working in my life. Heck this year I’ve been the lowest I thought I could be to the point where I am starting to care about myself and no longer in the baggy clothes faze. I think that I am challenged everyday by new scenarios but I am excited to live day to day and face new challenges with an open mind and an open heart. Who knows what might happen in 2007, see you next year! And I hope to see you while I am on my personal journey, don’t be scared to stop me and put me in my place I probably am asking for it!

family ties

2006-12-31T17:30:00.000-08:00

So I thought I’d post an upbeat post before I hit you with my reflections on the past year… I just think everyone should take time and spend time with the ones we love or even the people we have not seen in awhile. I recently had my annual Christmas gatherings with both sides (Hunter and Fraser) it was awesome I loved it!!! Here’s some pictures of my family… (fraser first 3, hunter last 1)

The Accident..

2006-11-26T21:35:00.000-08:00

So, I got in an accident today made the news and all (and by news I mean radio) caused back log for 3 hours on the Capilano bridge. And by the protection of God no one was seriously hurt we have some scratches and bruises but we came out ok. I had what I like to call a God moment today when I was looking at the condition of the car it appeared as if there was this box protecting me and my sister from harm and anything that entered the area was bent and broken to pieces. It makes me want to cry about how something like this makes you realize things you should already know and believe about God. I am thankful for your calls and prayers and for the firemen and the young guy who helped us throughout the 3 hour wait and my grandparents who let us use the washroom... best bathroom stop yet, even got homemade soup!
So here's some pictures of the crash...

outer body... out of here

2006-11-18T16:12:00.000-08:00

Ok, so today had to be the longest day at work ever! I finaly finished the greek order but after that It was just wierd kinda slow but steady, and then my relief comes in at 2 (because we over lap) and after that it seemed like 4 o'clock was NEVER going to come. I think it's because I had a permanent charlie horse going on in my calf and then I didn't have a break tell 2:45 ya sick. But hugely/mostly my fault at going to a movie after youth with my steller buds, and my comic relief Donna who made the movie funny even though I kept on accidently giving her charlie horses when I got excited at seeing Mr. Bidney/Oompa Loompa look-a-like, he's austraillian, If I hadn't told you yet ;) That's it just felt like hearing the pitter patter of my fingers hitting the keys!

Here's one of my newest music discovories: Ben Lee - http://www.ben-lee.com/main_page.php
Here's one of the songs I'm hooked on...

We're All In This Together

woke up this morning
i suddenly realized
were all in this together
i started smiling
cos you were smiling
and were all in this together
im made of atoms
youre made of atoms
and were all in this together
and long division
just doesnt matter
cos were all in this together

i saw you walkingin the city
were all in this together
the city's changing
cos we are changing
and were all in this together
every twelve seconds
someone remembers
that were all in this together
in the kitchen
of your rent-control apartment
were all in this together

cmon baby
i dont mean to rush you
i only wanted to reach out and touch you
ive gotta start to open my heart

i know you think
about jumping ship before it sinks
but were all in this together
ask a scientistits quantum physics
were all in this together
and on the subway
we feel like strangers
but were all in this together
yeah i love you and you love her
and she loves him
but were all in this together

yknow baby
theres never been protection
in all the history of human connection
cmon darlingits alright to show me
you dont ever need to be lonely
once you start to open your heart

i saw you crying
i started crying
cos were all in this together

and then religion
its a big decision
but were all in this together

were all in this together

wonky sleeping patterns

2006-11-17T00:10:00.000-08:00

So if you haven't noticed most of my post have been done late at night or classified as early morning, this is because since I work tell midnight 4 out of my 5 shifts I'm wierd tell 12 and then need to simmer which takes tell at least 2 am now this stinks because then I sleep in tell 11 am and my day is half over and makes it hard for me to do other stuff but that is also because I tend to leave things tell the last possible moment.

But on to other things going trough my mind... So I just bought a new cd called +44 it has mark and travis from Blink-182 and I really enjoy it. I also just bought tickets to go to Xavier Ruddon november 28th I kinda stupidly bought them and then attempted to switch my shift but I did it and I found someone to switch with which is really exciting since I get to make it up to Jasmine since we can't go see City and Color :( but it all worked out for the best! He's a really cool musician you should check him out!

http://www.xavierrudd.com/home.html

falling off the ladder

2006-11-16T10:40:00.000-08:00

I went and saw Gridiron Gang last night with Chelsea after a respectable dinner at Swiss Chalet just a couple whities... (yes whities) so this movie was really good but it threw Chels and I into this conversation and I woke up this morning still thinking about it. It seems that now a days the suburban populations problems are boys not liking them, getting teased and bullied, cliques, a parting between "cool" and "uncool" and other problems that we see as huge issues in our neighbourhoods. Now in my 'hood' of St. Albert we have a HUGE problem with drugs but yet our city council seems to push it to the side and try to become oblivious to the fact that it's very easy to get some pot or ecstasy or any other drug you want and the kicker the easy place to get is at school there are cars that come into the parking lot and you know it's a drug deal. This all came up because of what the movie Gridiron Gang was about the different gangs within 5 block radius as well as other gangs. We started to wonder that if this could come back to us the whities because of slavery and also the fact that we have secluded them into the 'downtown' world with little room and don't give them the real support they need so it just keeps happening over and over again. It is very similar how our government deals with the homeless in downtown Edmonton, or should I say who? When I was helping out at the mustard seed I talked to a lot of men with all different opinions and talents most of them don't like the situation they are in but the system isn't set up for them to succeed it's set up for them to fail because the more of them that succeed mean that some of us, the more privileged, will have to take their place. I also was told about the Asian gang’s downtown, yes it sounds funny but very possible, have you ever taken a bus downtown when schools let out? We are the minority. Ever tried to find a spot on the number 1 at 3? Impossible! But will things ever change and can they? Because once that happens who will replace the poor? Or can there be a society without poor?

and the winners are...

2006-11-15T17:57:00.000-08:00

So these were the 3 pictures I chose to enlarge to a 20x24 so hopefully they turn out alright...

oh which to choose...

2006-11-12T16:12:00.000-08:00

So I've decided to make a large print of one of my photo's for my niece but I am unsure of which to do here are my "finalists."

These pictures range from Alaska, my Aunty Deb's garden, Our family trip to southern Alberta and flowers I took on the way, or the pink lily at work.

what a week...

2006-11-12T00:48:00.000-08:00

So... this weeks been interesting to say the least. It all started when my co-worker Jenn popped out her knee-cap, this caused a domino effect on my shifts because any shift I wasn't working up front I was working in photo and the opposite for her. Meaning she got all my photo shifts because it was "modified" work which meant that I got all the midnight shifts. Not good. Needless to say this was just the beginning. Because my 'precious' body was not used to the sleep depravation that this causes I got sick and not just a sudden flu type thing but a fainting, stomach sickness was caused which is not fun when you stand for 8 - 9 hours at a time dealing with customers on a full moon night... Now it may seem like I’m wining which yes I am, it just stinks because I got frustrated with the fact that I wasn't able to finish orders I had building up in photo. My body can handle so much. But today I was able to get quite a bit done on my Greek order, so that was my work life this week.

on to my family life...
This week has been really good as my family is concerned, my dad now has energy and is up to doing more stuff, I think it helps when my grandma comes up for her doctor appointments it makes him feel needed and he 'has' to do it so it gets him out of bed. Even though my dads down it always seems we actually talk. I'm not sure if this is actually him or just the depressive side of him talking. We had a good talk about the effects it has on him and also what has been going on in my head in the past couple months. My mom's been having a rough time I think it's been a tough couple of months with all the sudden deaths of her friends, I think she's doing ok but isn't quite sure how to care to the needs of her friends. My sister is well my sister I've missed our talks and monthly dates ever since I've started working nights so often I rarely see her. But that might change since she's applied to work at shoppers with moi. Still unsure about how I feel about that one. Siblings working together, are they suppose to stay together? or almost kill each other.

and my friends...
well this week I went to Wednesday night supper with Chelsea, dawn and ashlea and it was REALLY good!! The food and the conversation it seems that each time I go I feel less awkward and feel like I might kind of fit in. This weekend was kind of dull since I worked it although Youth group was fun this Friday it was just the jr. highs and we played a game called thing. FUN TIMES were had for all especially dealing with anything involving poo, poop, constipation, blow ups causing in Nate wrecking leah's home. Aah yes complete confusion, who said what.
Since all my buds where either away or helping out with focus this weekend I decided to attempt a movie marathon which abruptly failed since it was brought to my attention that Harry Potter has 4 movies and I only rented 2 and might I add the two middle ones (2&3) so that is what I'm doing however I am still on the first one and its been a couple hours so my next move is to replace the prisoner with the replacements since I am now going to have nightmares about giant talking scary spiders and being turned into old wood, but I'm sure I'll have a hero like Harry to save me right, yes I think so as well as a flying car with its own mind. Now if you have seen it you'd understand if not just skip this part. Speaking of creepy I was at blockbuster looking at movies and there was this really scary looking movie that is a video game in real life that kills people umm lets say creepy.

so that's all no smart whit just plain here is my life and what I'm dealing with, mistakes in hand.

the great sunday afternoon naps and other memories

2006-11-05T23:49:00.000-08:00

Never underestimate the power of a nap, planned or not. Sundays in my household allways involved the "quiet time" that involved my dad passed out on the couch ripping the curtains with his musical talent which is snoreing. The simplicity of a sunday afternoon is what I enjoy best the good food (roast beef) and then a good clonk out. I never realized how much I apreciated it untill I stopped having them. Today I had one and it was awesome I woke up in the best mood but also in a semi mood... talkative but a wierd talkative.

Anyways naps are golden although you tend to face a problem later on in the night like myself presently unable to fall asleep (hense the entry at 1 in the morning).

Other sunday memories is the WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY on sunday nights but before that Road to Avonlea, Gus Pike anyone :) aaa yes a childhood full of well rounded routines, 5 o'clock radio dramas involving Adventures in Odyssey, Bruce the Moose, The Sugar Creek Gang. I loved em' still do!

The Frustration

2006-11-05T00:24:00.000-08:00

So, I guess this would be my first official entry that means something...
Here we go...

So as I've been trying to set up this blogger account I've also been working on starting an account at photobucket.com but you only have so much patience and only so many movies to watch oh and I guess time... but anyways, I was trying to figure out what makes me frustrated more often than not, and the first thing that came to my mind was double senoirs day at shoppers and being a cashier because it's allways your fault that they don't get discounts off of the .72 soup on sale...

However, I was also thinking that we shouldn't waste so much time being impatient and getting frustrated (although I admit it's hard during traffic) because really what good does it do? If I yell or tap my fingers it doesn't make anything go faster but it makes it seem slower because your mind is so focused on that!

Just remember count to 10 backwards and breathe!!

- Gail

Tall

2006-11-04T22:48:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite pictures I took and then fiddled with. It is from my aunt and uncles house this past summer.